The official name....

After much debate, we have finally decided on a name for our little girl!!!


Evelyn Mae Hawkins


'Evelyn' was my mom's moms name and I have always thought it was beautiful. So glad that Brett agrees! =)

Ultrasounds and eternity

While I was laying flat on the table having my ultrasound last week, several thoughts were running through my mind. The expected ones, the ones I remember having during Nate's ultrasound, "Wow, that's our baby?!", "Is anything wrong with her?" "Everything looks incredibly beautifully healthy to me..." "I wonder what she will look like..." and then there were the new ones....


My daughter was moving throughout the entire ultrasound and several times she turned and looked right at the monitor. And I thought of my little brother James and wanted to cry. I remember my mom saying how her 20-week ultrasound with him was amazing. I remember talking to her on the way home from her appointment and her saying repeatedly, "And he kept looking right at me...it seemed like he was saying, 'Hi mom!'". She said that she did not remember any of her other children looking at her like that when they were in utero. There was something extra special about those moments for my mom.


As I lay on the hard table I thought about the fact that this could be the only time that I see my daughter. My mom had not the remotest clue that her ultrasound would be the only time she would see her son alive. That that would be the only time she would be able to see him look up at her. 


I have realized over and over again over the last few months, that there are two ways I can respond to these thoughts. I can either curl up inside, paralyzed by fear and worry, or I can fully enjoy this moment that I have with my baby. Because the truth is, today might be the last day I have with her....or with anyone else that I love.


Worrying would just make now, the only time that I know I have, miserable. Instead, I treasured seeing my darling baby on the big screen on the wall and I try to stop and notice every time I feel her kick inside me. I stop my "busyness" to play with Nate and make silly faces at him and dance around the room with him. I try to love on Brett as if it was our last day together. Because one day it will be our last day and the odds are that we won't know that it is until it is too late. 


It's hard to be so painfully aware of the fragility of life and to not curl up in a ball of fear. Sometimes I do. Sometimes the fear overwhelms me and makes me feel sick to my stomach.


Then I remind myself that I have to trust God. Not trusting that He won't hurt me, that He won't take away everything I love; He never promises me that. Trusting that His way, even if it is the opposite to my way, is the only way, the best way. And it does not matter if I don't like it, it doesn't matter how happy I am, and it does not matter that I understand it or see any "good" come out of it. All that matters is that He is somehow glorified, even if I do not really understand what that means in my situation. 


I can either hold everything I love with closed fists, full of fear and anger, and lose it all eventually anyway, or I can open my hands to Him, offering all that is precious to me and be filled with His peace. 


Often when I sing hymns like this one (which happens to be one of my favorites), I wonder if I really am entitled to sing it. Because I don't always believe it, but I want to believe. Maybe if I sing it enough... =)


"Father, I know that all my life is portioned out for me;
the changes that are sure to come, 
I do not fear to see:
I ask thee for a present mind, 
Intent on pleasing thee.


I would not have the restless will
That hurries to and fro,
Seeking for some great thing to do,
Or secret thing to know;
I would be treated as a child,
And guided where I go.

I ask thee for the daily strength,
To none that ask denied,
A mind to blend with outward life,
While keeping at thy side,
Content to fill a little space,
If thou be glorified.

In service which thy will appoints
There are no bonds for me;
My secret heart is taught the truth
That makes thy children free;
A life of self-renouncing love
Is one of liberty."


Trinity Hymnal #444




Lord I believe, help Thou my unbelief. 

A day in the life of Nate

I feel like I have not written a post in a while about Nate. A few years from now, I will have forgotten all of these little mundane details and wish that I could remember them, so bear with me. 


In less than three weeks Nate will be one year old!! Craziness! He is still reluctant to walk unassisted, but now loves to walk while holding mom or dad's hand or while pushing one of our kitchen chairs. Our kitchen chairs have wheels on them, so except when they get going to fast and run away from him, they make great "walkers". 
The other day he was in the living room and began making frustrated noises, so I went in to investigate. He was trying to "walk" a similar-looking chair, but one without wheels, and was very upset that it did not move! Thankfully, he is easily consoled, but it made me laugh. 


Here is a "typical" day for us:


7:00-8:00am- wake up
Eat breakfast, get dressed, I do laundry/housework while Nate plays 


10:00am- Nate goes down for nap; I do office work for my Dad


11-11:30- Nate wakes up; make, eat, and clean up from lunch; plan dinner; Nate plays; sometimes we go on a walk with Lexi or just sit outside in the back yard and look at grass, leaves, etc.


1:00pm- Nate down for afternoon nap; I read, nap, do housework or office work


2:30-3pm- Nate wakes up and usually does not want to play by himself. We play together, read books, or go outside. A couple times a week Nate goes to the Hawkins' house and I go to the barn and teach riding lessons. From 3-6 is our "difficult" time of day, though Nate could hardly be described as truly difficult. I'm praying his little sister is very much like him in temperment!! 


6pm- Dad home!!! Nate knows what Dad's truck sounds like when it pulls into the driveway and he gets excited to see Dad. He probably learned this because Mom is so excited to see Dad. =) And because Dad is super-fun. =)


6:30pm- Dinner and cleanup; play with Dad


7:30pm- Bath and bottle, then to bed! Sometimes Nate is not sleepy this early and then we let him stay up later. My rule is, "If you can be happy, then you can stay up. If you are grumpy, you go to bed!" 


Of course, this "typical" day only happens a couple times a week, if that. On Mondays, though this will end soon=(, Brett is off so the day is totally off schedule. On Tuesdays we are out late because we take dinner to Brett's Memaw. On Wednesdays I am teaching lessons in the evening, so we frequently end up eating dinner at the Hawkins'. You get the idea... 


Essentially, I like to think that there is a predictable "normal", but there are variations so frequently that the plan in my head rarely actually happens. But that is ok, it keeps life from being boring! 


Here are some newer pictures of Nate. They were all taken with my phone, so some of them ended up being low quality and a little blurry. The adorableness is still quite visible though!

 Nate is not quite sure what to do with his rocking horse, but he likes sitting on it. 

 True cowboy! Though most of them have clothes on...thankfully.

 Nate loves being naked, so I let him crawl around for a bit in just his cloth diaper. He is cracking a smile at me from behind the cup. Peek-a-boo is still his favorite game and can be played with any available object!

 When Nate is sleepy, he plays with both ears. His crooked paci cracked me up so much that I had to take a picture. The fact that he did not pose for the camera shows you just how sleepy he is!

Nate is now fully weaned as of this week. It is nice to have a couple months break from nursing, but also sad that my baby has grown up so much. He weaned himself gradually, so at least it was not a traumatic experience for either of us. Now he loves his "ba-ba's". 

 Sleepy Nater snuggling with Dad at Memaws!

Offering me some of his food=)

Nate should be waking up from his nap at any minute and then we are headed to the barn together! I only have about 6 more weeks before I will be too pregnant to be comfortable riding, so I am trying to make the most of the time we have. He loves going to the barn and seeing the dogs, cat, horses, golf cart, and the tractors!! So glad he likes the barn...but then, how could he not, being my son and all? =P

It's a GIRL!!

We had our 20 week anatomy scan yesterday and confirmed my suspicions that we are having a little girl! Needless to say, we are thrilled and I am already thinking about all the cute girly clothes I can put her in! 


The doctors said that she looks healthy! She was moving the whole time and made it difficult for the doctors to get some of the shots that they wanted, but eventually she cooperated. It was fascinating to see the incredible detail of all her organs and bones, all perfectly put together. I also loved seeing her move on the screen and feeling her move inside me at the same time. Incredible!!


Her name is yet to be announced...we are still a little undecided. 


Here are a few pictures!

Our beautiful girl!

Feet!

Fingers!

Loving the Little Years

I recently read the book, Loving the Little Years by Rachel  Jankovic and loved it! It is a small book, easily read in an evening or two, so does not require a huge time investment. Her humor lightens the mood without down playing the difficulty and temptations of motherhood. At times I would laugh out loud while reading and then Brett would ask, "What's so funny?!" and I would read aloud a portion to him. If you have not read it, I would highly recommend you do so!

Here is a portion that I particularly enjoyed...

"Motherhood is a demanding job. It is so demanding and intrusive, in fact, that is takes over your body. It uses your body, oftentimes rather roughly. This can start to bother us. 

You may have some weight to lose, and you might start to resent that. You might have permanently damaged something during a pregnancy. You may have big scars, stretch marks, and loose skin that bothers you. You might not have time to exercise the way you used to. All of these things can be seen as an offense against us - against our bodies.

There are really two separate points I would like to make here. First of all, our bodies are tools, not treasures. You should not spend your days trying to preserve your body in its eighteen-year-old form. Let it be used. By the time you die, you want to have a very dinged and dinted body. Motherhood uses your body in the way that God designed it to be used. Those are the right kind of damages.

There are of course ways to hurt your body that are outside of God's design for it and disobedient. But motherhood is what your stomach was made for - and any wear and tear that it shoes is simply the sign of a well-used tool. We are not to treat our bodies like museum pieces. They were not given to us to preserve, they were given to us to use. So use it cheerfully, and maintain it cheerfully. When you are working hard to lose the baby weight (as you may need to), think of it as tool maintenance. You want to fix you body up in order to be able to use it some more. It might be used for more children, or it might be used to take care of the children you have. We should not be trying to fix it up to put it back on the shelf out of harm's way or to try to make ourselves look like nothing ever happened. You body is a tool. Use it.

Also, your body is a tool - maintain it. Having sacrificed your body for your children is no excuse for schlepping around in sweatpants for the rest of their childhood. When you were eighteen, you might have been skinny without trying. In your thirties, after having had a pile of kids, the chances are good that you will need to try. And in case you care, this word is not coming from one of those miracle mothers who comes out of the hospital more svelte than she went in. My children, bless them, have left their mark!

Scars and stretch marks and muffin tops are all part of your kingdom work. One of the greatest testimonies Christian women can have in our world today is the testimony of joyfully giving your body to another. While so many women choose to not have children or abort the children they were given, the testimony of women who know the cost and joyfully pay it is profound. So make sure that you aren't buying into the world's propaganda. While there are a great many rewards, the sacrifice is very real. The reason so many women don't want to do it is because it is very hard and has very real costs. But the answer to these obstacles is not to run away in fear as the world does, but to meet it with joy and in faith.

My very kind and wise husband once left a note for me on Easter morning, two weeks after Daphne was born. He wrote, "To my wife, before she even goes near the closet on Easter morning," or something romantic like that. In it, he encouraged me to realize that there was no more fitting way to celebrate Easter (or any part of the Christian life) than in a body that has been undone on behalf of another.

So realize that your body is a testimony to the world of God's design. Carry the extra weight joyfully until you can lose it joyfully. Carry the scars joyfully as you carry the fruit of them. Do not resent the damages that your children left on your body. Just like a guitar mellows and sounds better with age and scratches, so your body can more fully praise God having been used for His purposes. So don't resent it, enjoy it."

Daylight savings thoughts

Prior to today, I have always thought of "falling back" as a wonderful day that equals a whole hour of extra sleep! I had a vague idea that it would be different this year, but ignored it and told myself that maybe Nate would sleep late for no reason this morning. Wrong! 

When I heard him stir at 6:15 am this morning I had several thoughts. First, I am continually amazed how my love for him overcomes my natural annoyance at being awoken (at least, this morning...and most of the time=). Even if I feel grumpy while laying in bed ruminating on the fact that I must get up, as soon as I walk into Nate's room and see him bounce up and down on the side of the crib and hear him gurgle with delight, it is worth it! 

Then, I realized that this was another of those many, many little things that a mother must give up; and that my mom must have sacrificed for me. Sometimes it is hard to not begrudge your children for the things that they "take" from you. It is immensely helpful to me to think about my mom and realize how much she must have given up...and still does...for us children. I, as a child, and even young adult, was blissfully ignorant that we were causing her any hardship. It is only now that I experience the "hardships" that I look back and think, "Wow, this must have been hard for mom too but she never let us know!" I grow in respect for my mom every day that I am one! Thanks mom!! I am sure I have never thanked you for all the hours of sleep you have missed on my behalf! 

Then, I wondered... will Nate adjust to the new time or will we be getting up at 6-6:30am all winter?? 

And finally, I sighed and realized that now I will be ready to go to bed even more ridiculously early then I have been. =) 

But honestly, I enjoy being up early after I am forced out of my cozy bed. Mornings are my most productive time, so maybe I will get more done around the house! I think my "nesting instinct" is starting to kick in because I am suddenly feeling an urgent need to get several projects done. If it seems like it will be a difficult task with one child, it will be much more difficult with two! Oh my, I feel silly even saying that because many women I know get much done with many children in tow! I suppose one adjusts to the numbers gradually...at least I certainly hope so! =) Right now stripping wall paper and repainting the bathroom with two small children sounds rather daunting, so I'd better get on it soon! 

Nate, Lexi, and Cheerios

Here is video I took of Nate yesterday. It is guaranteed to make you laugh! Or at least smile=)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNkEpv5U3jk