numbering our days

Even before Brett came upstairs from his weekly group conference call yesterday morning, I have had this Scripture running over and over through my mind.

"So teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12

He soberly told me that a man in his group had died of a heart attack over the weekend. A man who had just turned 50. A man leaving a now grieving wife and young daughter. A man who had plans for his work this week and goals for next year. All the other guys said, "What? How can that have happened? I just talked to him on Friday and he was cutting up just like he always does." Brett told me how he had planned to call him later this morning for help with something, how difficult it will be for the other guys in the group to take over all that this man did.

It is funny to me how we invariably respond to sudden death, myself included. "What? How could that have happened? Now? But he had plans and hopes and dreams...he wasn't expecting this!" 

It's like we expect there to be a flashing neon sign over our heads, announcing, "10 days left...9....8..." We think that surely we would instinctively know that this was our last night night together, or our last Christmas together, or the last time we would ever say 'I love you". We believe that something would be different about our last day, that we would have some kind of premonition or supernatural warning.

I remember, oh so vividly, standing next to Brett as he lay there unconscious, and contemplating that he very well may have kissed me for the last time. Of course that was a tremendously sad thought, but at the same time I felt remarkably at peace. I knew that we had loved each other well, that I had not taken our time together for granted and I had no regrets. Of course I wanted more time together, to raise our children together, to grow old together but I did not need more time to make things right, to do things differently.

 Sometimes I feel like if I have something planned for the future, it is almost as good as doing it right now. "As soon as this baby is born, then I will be thankful for it."  "When the children are older and less exhausting, then I be able to have a joyful attitude and really love them." "When I am not so tired, then I will be able to be pleasant to my husband and work on our relationship again."

 But the truth is that there is no time available to us except right now. As my family knows so poignantly, after losing James just before birth when he was previously a completely healthy, full-term baby, you don't know that you will have tomorrow. This difficult time, this exhausting night, this draining school year...it may be your last one. Would you do anything differently if it was?

The fact is, we are all dying. It's not just that we should be prepared for a sudden death, but we should be preparing for death all of our lives. Actually, not preparing for death so much as preparing for life in eternity. 

This Scripture, though I've known it all my life, I am not sure that I really understood it until recently. "So teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." It is the pivotal verse in Psalm 90. David starts out by talking about how God is forever and, contrary to how we feel most of the time, we are not. Not only do we not last very long, we are quickly forgotten, and our lives are full of sin. 

I tend to think that I will be around forever, or at least for a very long time, that I do some pretty important stuff that is critical to the functioning of (at least part) the universe, and that I am a relatively good person. Here is a little dose of reality: 

 Lord, you have been our dwelling place^a
in all generations.
2 Before the mountains were brought forth,
or ever you had formed the earth and the world,
from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

3 You return man to dust
and say, “Return, O children of man!”^b
4 For a thousand years in your sight
are but as yesterday when it is past,
or as a watch in the night.

5 You sweep them away as with a flood; they are like a dream,
like grass that is renewed in the morning:
6 in the morning it flourishes and is renewed;
in the evening it fades and withers.

7 For we are brought to an end by your anger;
by your wrath we are dismayed.
8 You have set our iniquities before you,
our secret sins in the light of your presence.

9 For all our days pass away under your wrath;
we bring our years to an end like a sigh.
10 The years of our life are seventy,
or even by reason of strength eighty;
yet their span^c is but toil and trouble;
they are soon gone, and we fly away.
11 Who considers the power of your anger,
and your wrath according to the fear of you?

Kinda depressing, wouldn't you say? Thankfully, that's not the end of the Psalm. Keep reading. 

12 So teach us to number our days
that we may get a heart of wisdom.
13 Return, O LORD! How long?
Have pity on your servants!
14 Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
15 Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
and for as many years as we have seen evil.
16 Let your work be shown to your servants,
and your glorious power to their children.
17 Let the favor^d of the Lord our God be upon us,
and establish the work of our hands upon us;
yes, establish the work of our hands!

 Numbering our days is not easy. It is a lot of work. It is never done.  But we must, for it is essential in gaining a heart of wisdom. If you have ever read Proverbs, you know how important God considers the getting of wisdom to be. 

Despite our fragility and our sinfulness, God will listen to our pleas to have pity on us! Numbering our days should not lead to a hopelessness about life, but should drive us to throw ourselves upon Christ for mercy. It should help us to recognize that apart from delighting in His "steadfast love", in His "glorious power", we are nothing. But when we delight in Him, "we may rejoice and be glad all our days" and He will "establish the works of our hands". How beautiful is His love!

Least those who know me well think that I am justifying my sinful tendency to agonize over the fragility of life, I am not. While it may be a strength of mine to be aware of death, it is also a weakness. When I lay my head on Brett's chest and hear his steady heartbeat, I always think about how those beats are numbered, that they will end some day. I don't just think that since Brett's illness, I have always thought that way. I know....morbid! 

But when his heart was beating sooooo slowly in ICU (40 beats per min and sometimes less) I was thankful that I had not taken his heartbeats for granted; that I had treasured them when I had them. 

Granted, "treasuring" them can rapidly deteriorate into freaking out internally about what he will feel like when he is cold and stiff and how I will act at his funeral and raise the kids without him. And of course there is nothing wholesome in those thoughts of unbelief, but that's a whole 'nother post. What I love about this psalm is how it takes me from where I am naturally (stuck in the beginning and middle of it), points me to God and leaves me with hope.

I pray for all the people who knew this man who worked with Brett. I pray that his sudden death will drive some to seek after a heart of wisdom, to plead with God to have pity, and to ask to be satisfied in His steadfast love. 

As for me, I have printed out Psalm 90 and put it over my kitchen sink and in our shower. It has been too long since I memorized a Psalm. My memory of just how comforting it is to have psalms stored in mind is still quite fresh. 

Number your days, please don't take them for granted.